This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.
For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy...
It is so challenging in a society that kind of enforces disrespect in many ways to teach our children to be respectful. Even picture books that are coming out now do this! I have been dismayed by many books that show horrible and disobedient behavior on the part of the child and portray incompetent or unavailable parents and authority figures dealing with them.
The other day our boys were at a friend's house they'd never been to and when they were leaving one of the boys said to the Mom, "I didn't know you lived in such a small house!" It's true, he is pretty young and untactful, but I somehow felt that I had neglected to teach my kids an important lesson. Also, when our boys get silly in Church, it really feels that we need to ingrain in them that feeling of respect--and I'd like to do it in other ways than removing them for a time out... It's not something that you can force them to feel! When my kids talk rudely to me, I either let them cool off in a time out or just ask them to "rephrase that sentence please!" in a kinder way. Mealtimes are often a "grab, root and growl" affair and I'm sure I must say at least three times every dinner "Please sit down!" So I guess my point is, we've got to be realistic when we have young children, but we've also got to lay some ground rules. The kids need to learn it from us, at home.
So what are some things you've tried? James and I would love to hear them!
Sounds like love and logic to me all the way. Part of it is just having 4 boys under 8 at a meal or at church together but I like the way you and James gently urge them to refine their ways and it will take, maybe when they are on their missions? No, I'm sure you'll see some progress before then ;).
ReplyDeleteI think comments like that one to the neighbor about the house size are complicated ones too. I doubt they were saying it as unkindly as it sounds or would be from an adult. They probably just were surprised at the size of the house and haven't learned the socially proper way to keep those kinds of thoughts to themselves while still making accurate observations and evaluations to themselves. For one thing, there is nothing wrong with having a small house and I wonder if they thought they were making a negative evaluation by saying it? Intriguing to me to know when and how we learn to make evaluations that later we'll think might be negative in the wrong way?
BTW, your blog is looking more and more like you know what you're doing!! We need to get Mom looking at it and then you can tutor her on how to do some of the things you're doing too.
Yeah, this is a good question and some interesting thoughts. Sam and I often remark on just how many, many, (millions) of times you have to remind the kids of something. (Like saying, "no thank you" instead of just "no" or whatever.) You seriously have to keep that reminder going for years at a time, but eventually it really does work (we see that in Abe now---almost never needs reminders of certain things---after 6 years of it!) :) I wonder how many other things will end up finally becoming habits for them, but only if we persist for what seems like an unreasonable amount of time.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing we were talking about is how much we want them to respect (like you were saying) other people and other peoples' choices. One thing I really try to do is not make judgemental comments about people we see---even to make a point. Like I think my mom would sometimes say things like, "That lady is smoking . . . WE don't smoke, it's bad for you" or whatever, and my impression was, "We are better than her." So I try to say, if the boys notice another kid having a tantrum, or they see someone with a tattoo, or whatever that they think is "so bad," I try to say, "Well, that's fine, everyone can decide for themselves what they want to do," or, "Yeah, we shouldn't scream in the store, but sometimes it's hard to remember things like that--sometimes you have a hard time remembering the rules too, don't you?" or "Every family has different rules, and if ours are different than someone else's, it doesn't mean they are wrong, it just means they do things differently in their family and that's okay." I don't know, who knows if that is actually making a difference in the way they see people, but even when we are reading stories and there are characters that do something wrong, I'll try to say similar things: "George isn't really a bad monkey, he just forgets to be obedient sometimes. He needs to try harder to remember, huh!" Seems kind of stupid but it feels like a small step towards how I want them to think of others---I want them to have the worldview that people are usually doing the best they can, and we shouldn't think we are superior just because we have _different_ problems than they do.
Did any of that make sense? Anyway, thanks for giving us a good discussion topic. :) And also, you need to look at my other blog; there is a super picture of you on there which I found on a disc of old family slides Philip just gave me. :)
Yeah Dad--I think you're right, they didn't really think of it as a negative statement, just a fact, I guess. I like your idea of them evaluating. I wonder if we'll see more of that as they get closer and closer to 8?
ReplyDeleteMar--it is a fine line between teaching them to know "good" from "bad" without them getting kind of high and mighty for sure. I think it is important for them to know when people are making the wrong choices, but it is also important to remind them that none of us are perfect and not everyone knows the same things we do. Thanks for those thoughts!